Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Time Has Come - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 13 Recap

Lewis Carroll wrote “The time has come the walrus said to talk of many things.” He went on to say of “shoes and ships and sealing wax and of cabbages and kings”. But if Lewis Carroll were alive today and talking about Jersey Shore he might change that to gel and smush and t-shirt store and tanning beds and bling. Actually no he wouldn’t. Lewis Carroll wouldn’t be caught dead talking about Jersey Shore. However, the poem’s first line is apropos in that the time has come for Season Three to end.

I wrote in the past that Sammi and Ronnie were like Ross and Rachel from Friends if only Ross took steroids and Rachel had no personality. Well they are also like those two in that their on-again/off-again relaitonship killed a perfectly good show. Granted Ross never made you think Ike Turner was reincarnated and given a TV show. And yes I know Ike Turner was alive when Friends was on. What do you think killed him? Those re-runs are ALWAYS ON.

Last week’s episode ended with Ronnie making a beeline for Sammi after her friend Arvin told him they fooled around. This show is a great audition tape for Ronnie’s Match.com profile. “Do you like sitting around eating mustard sandwiches? Is being afraid for your life a turn-on? Then I’m the guy for you.”

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Make It Stop - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 12 Recap

A lot happened to our friends from Seaside this past week. Snooki appeared on WWE RAW, a development that is as surprising as finding out wrestlers took steroids.  Sammi Sweetheart, a nickname as fitting as a tight shirt on a muffintop, launched her own jewelry line. I hope she doesn’t market any of the pearl necklaces Ronnie may have given her. Finally, The Situation appeared on the roast of Donald Trump and proved that even when he is trying to be funny, people are laughing at him. They also like to target him for jokes like a fraudulent mortgage lender does an unqualified buyer.

This week’s episode began where last week’s left off, Sammi and Ronnie fighting because of The Situation’s meddling. Ronnie seems to like to put his hands on Sammi, and not in a nice way. I’ve asked before, and I’ll ask again, I wonder what would need for happen for MTV to call the police. It’s a good thing MTV cameras weren’t filming inside Chris Brown’s car.

Downstairs Deena rolled around inside a cardboard box. It’s good to know she enjoys the same leisure activities as my dog.

Sammi admitted she called this Arvin guy shortly after she and Ronnie broke up. Ronnie took exception to this and said he doesn’t know if he could be with her again. So the fact he didn’t call anyone post-break up negates the fact he treated her belongings like Donkey Kong?

Sunday, March 13, 2011

You're Roasted - The Roast of Donald Trump

In a perfect world I would be a stand-up comedian. I’d also be wealthy, have a full head of hair and live in a home worth more than I paid for it, but I digress. Unfortunately, speaking in front of a large group of people makes my legs shake like the way my dog does when a storm is coming.

One of the better places to see stand-up comedians at their best is at a Roast. Roasts serve the function of putting someone front and center and letting comedians take shots at them like they were Sarah Palin in a plane hovering over a wolf pack.  Comedy Central has taken the mantel from The Friars Club and Dean Martin as the home of roasts.

This past summer David Hasselhoff was the victim, which showed how great Jeff Ross, Whitney Cummings and the late great Greg Giraldo are at their craft. It also showed that no one laughs with Hulk Hogan these days, only at him.

The latest target of the roasters is Donald Trump. To which I have to say, it’s about time Donald Trump gets made fun of publicly because it’s been going on for years behind his back.

The roast will be aired on March 15. After the roast is over, Julius Caesar will look more fondly upon that date than Donald Trump.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I'm Sam Shady Yes I'm The Real Shady - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 11 Recap

When we last left our heroes of Seaside, Snooki was trying to mend a broken heart, Sammi was back at the house, and The Situation was learning sexually transmitted diseases can be transmitted through acts of sex. There are so many reasons this guy deserves to be booed.

I’ll be giving a few more reasons this Sunday on Progressive Blend Radio at 6:15 as I stand-in as a member of the dais for the Donald Trump Roast airing two days later on Comedy Central. One more programming note, check back here on Sunday to see my second attempt at roasting as I take on The Donald, or as he might refer to himself, the 45th President of the United States.

Enough with the self-promotion, let’s get back to the beach.

This week’s Jersey Shore episode began with Vinny and Pauly going to Staten Island. Pauly said he didn’t know Staten Island is actually an island. He also doesn’t know North Carolina is above South Carolina, sunscreen protects from the sun, and a golf cart gets you from hole to hole on the course.

Back at the house, The Situation was left all alone with JWoww’s dogs. He decided to let them eat garbage. Now we know how every one of his hook-ups feels. The Situation saw the dogs going to the bathroom all over the house and didn’t stop them. Not only does he shit on his roommates with girls, work, and each other but now he’s outsourcing the job.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Sitch Ed - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 10 Recap

In between last Jerday and this Jersday we learned that The Situation will be on the dais for the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump. This is like putting Sarah Palin on a panel of scientists. We also learned that Snooki has plans to create an empire after Jersey Shore raps up. My guess is her first act as Empress will be to eliminate the tax on tanning booths. Her second will be to make steroids comprehensive with vaccines so we can become a nation of juiceheads.

When we last left the heroes of Seaside, Sammi re-entered the house after being away for anywhere between a day and a month as MTV makes it tough to tell the passage of time.

This week’s episode began where last week’s left off, and that is with one half of the not-so-dynamic duo re-entering the house. Ronnie saw her and went outside.

Sammi went around and said hi to everyone. Deena defined ecstatic using the word happy twice. Her nickname should be Websters.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

She's Baaaack - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 9 Recap


This past week we saw what some of the cast of Jersey Shore likes to be on. Snooki was on Regis & Kelly where she compared Regis to an ape. The Situation was on Ellen where he continued one of the greatest con-man schemes - that he is a good guy with some discernible talent who should be promoted rather than vilified for being one of the most two-faced people this side of Harvey Dent. JWoww said she will be on the cover of Playboy and in her birthday suit inside the pages once Jersey Shore has run its course – which means we should see her on the cover shortly after Season 4.

In scenes for this week’s episode MTV teases the return of Sammi to the show. She was gone from the show for about as long as Brett Favre was “retired” in 2008. And 2009. And 2010. I’ve looked forward to this return like jewelry stores look forward to Lindsay Lohan doing a little window shopping.

The episode kicked off with Snooki kicking her guy out of the bed and sending him home. Apparently this guy didn’t measure up and Snooki made plans to meet up with another guy that night. Charlie Sheen doesn’t move this fast.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Eggs Sorrentino - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 8 Recap

If there’s only one day left in the work week that can only mean one thing – that it’s Thursday, or as my morning commute friends on The Kane Show like to call it – Jersday. This week in Jersey Shore news saw Pauly D hanging out with The Favre Slayer and Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers in Las Vegas. I wonder which mantle Rodgers likes more. I’m sure winning the Super Bowl has to be awesome and is probably first, but putting sports’ biggest attention whore in his place has to be a close second. Ronnie plead not guilty to an assault charge everyone with functioning eyes knows he committed in season one.  

The Jersey Shore news isn’t confined to just current cast members either. Former castmate and overall wet blanket Angelina got engaged. You’ve got to have a really short memory if you’re willing to marry a girl who for all intents and purposes had sex on camera less than a year ago and apparently made her way around with two other guys from Jersey Shore. When one of them is The Situation, then that has to mean this guy has a worse memory than the guy in Memento.

Before we begin the review, let’s take a moment of silence for Uncle Leo who passed away this week. Somewhere an angel just walked past him and said “Hello”.  At least for the angel’s sake I hope he did.
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