Reality television is a very diverse genre. There are shows about housewives, dating, rebuilding homes, trying to be a stand-up comedian, and selling antiques, among many more. For all its differences, there is one common theme among reality shows, in particular successful ones – and that is the show’s producers, networks, and stars try to cram in as many seasons into a year as possible. On Monday night ABC proves this point by premiering its 11th season of Dancing with the Stars.
Dancing with the Stars debuted in America in 2005. It was taken mostly in part from a British show called Strictly Come Dancing. Taking things from the British is becoming a common theme in American television. The Office, Dancing with the Stars, America’s Got Talent, and others are examples of this. Thankfully when The Benny Hill Show was on no one replaced Benny. What other fifty year old man could have pulled off wearing a sailor’s cap while chasing a bevy of girls around his house to the tune of Yakety Sax?
Prior celebrities that have done well on DWTS include athletes, models, singers and the guy who played J. Peterman. This year’s cast is a diverse one. Some have dancing experience, some athletic success, and some are entertainers. The most diverse aspect about the cast is some of them aren’t even stars. Let’s breakdown the cast the best way I know how, with sarcastic comments and very little research. At the end I’ll pick my winner, which should be given the same credence as the guy who approved that Dewey headline in 1948.
Audrina Patridge: Here is the first example of someone who ABC considers a star but is far from it. Her only real talent is moving into the right apartment complex at the right time so she could be spotted by an MTV casting director. However, Audrina brings certain qualities to the show that others do not. My guess is she does pretty well since she’s young, in great shape and dresses in a way that makes Kelly Bundy look like Amish.
Brandy Norwood: Brandy should do well since she is a singer and I assume a decent dancer since artists of her genre (crappy pop music that is usually lip-synched so they can dance) usually are. However, Brandy’s partner should be concerned that she'll have flashbacks to a deadly accident that she was in a few years ago, stop paying attention to her steps, run into other couples and then say the experience changed her life for the better. To which I ask - someone died because she didn’t pay attention to stopped traffic and she’s in a better place because of it? How noble of her. Too bad that better place isn’t prison. I hope she’s the first one eliminated so she can return to her better life.
Bristol Palin: Anyone who decides to have sex with a guy who thinks a normal career path is high school hockey player, Playgirl, then mayor has to have a few judgment issues. I don’t blame Bristol for selling her engagement pictures to tabloids, appearing on TV shows as a voice for abstinence, and dancing with a few minor celebrities. She has a small window to quit whatever job she has to exploit herself and make as much money as possible. It runs in the family.
David Hasselhoff: What can I say about The Hoff that I didn’t say here? After seeing that roast it is very evident The Hoff is well past his prime. I’m pretty sure he was wearing a plastic tuxedo. Take it from someone who only danced when he was drunk, it doesn’t make you better. There’s a better chance The Hoff makes a move on his partner mid-step because in his drunken state he thought she was giving him signs than him making it to the finals.
Florence Henderson: Mrs. Brady is on the cast this season. She was the wet dream for a lot of teenagers in the 1970s-80s. She’s up there in years now but she still looks the best of all the Brady girls. Plus I’m pretty sure she never traded sex for drugs.
Jennifer Grey: Here’s the odds-on favorite to win. Patrick Swayze taught her to dance in the Catskills. I bet the fat guy from Roadhouse can still kick ass like Swayze taught him to. We all know Keanu Reeves learned his football moves in The Replacements from his time with Swayze playing beach football in Point Break. Don’t break the streak Jennifer Grey, don’t break the streak.
Kurt Warner: If Jesus wants Kurt to win, then he’ll win. But I think Jesus knows better than to put all his eggs in the basket of a 39 year old former quarterback who took more hits to his head than Rocky, and Rocky never defended his head in a fight. What would Jesus do? Jesus would bet on someone else to win.
Kyle Massey: Who?
Margaret Cho: Comedians never do well on this show. Jeffrey Ross is known to be one of the worst contestants in the show’s history, which was great because he was able to come back and roast the finalists. I don’t see Margaret Cho changing this trend. Someone who spends her time fighting for as many causes as she does doesn’t have time to work on dance steps. Except for Benjamin Franklin, whose nickname at the Continental Congress was Happy Feet.
Michael Bolton: This guy is going to do well. He was a crooner who wrote songs people probably used as first dances at their wedding. Talk about regrets. Plus Bolton was able to grow not only a mullet, but a curly one with a receding hairline. Yet women still swooned over him. In my single days I tried almost everything under the sun to improve myself with the ladies, but never the balding mullet. Now that I’m married, and have a hairline taking the same path as the French in WWII, I wonder if my wife would find me even more irresistible with “The Bolton”. There’s only one way to find out. Nurse, get my crinkling iron!
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino: After Brandy Norwood, this is the person I’m hoping gets eliminated the fastest. I’ve written about what a two-faced chump The Situation is here. Since that time I’ve seen The Situation steal another one of Vinny’s girls, basically tattle on Angelina’s antics to the guy she’s seeing and do everything he could to make Pauly D’s night of intimacy with some girl as uncomfortable as possible. How has no one challenged him on these obvious details? It’s like he just won the Delaware Republican nomination for the Senate or something.
Rick Fox: Rick Fox should do well in this contest. He spent years having sex with Vanessa Williams. There are ways to practice your hip movements and there are WAYS TO PRACTICE YOUR HIP MOVEMENTS. Like a dumbass he left Vanessa Williams, so there’s always the possibility he’ll try to switch partners midway through the competition.
The three contestants I think will be there at the end are Jennifer Gray, Rick Fox and Michael Bolton, with Jennifer Gray taking the top prize.
And if she doesn’t, there’s a corner Jerry Orbach’s ghost is going to put her in.