Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Situation With The Situation

When I was a kid I watched WWF (now WWE) religiously. My favorite wrestler was, of course, Hulk Hogan (who I roasted here). One of his best friends at the time was Paul Orndorff aka Mr. Wonderful. One of my most distinct memories of wrestling was when Hulk Hogan was getting destroyed by King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd during tag team match. Paul Orndorff jumped in and cleared house, coming to Hulk’s rescue. As Hulk was helped to his feet, Mr. Wonderful raised Hulk’s arm in the air like a ref does the winner of a match. Then, without warning, Mr. Wonderful clotheslined Hulk and proceeded to beat his ass like the SEC does to Ohio State in BCS bowl games.

The point of this story isn’t just a trip down memory lane, but more so an example of how someone the public thinks is one thing, is in actuality the complete opposite. The parallels between Paul Orndorff and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino are more than just a fake tan and false sense of entitlement.

Just how Paul Orndorff will always be the ultimate wrestling heel to me, The Situation will always be one of the most two-faced reality personalities, which is saying something given the high level of horrible people who have agreed to have their lives recorded for a TV show.

There are three examples that come to mind when describing how much of a paper tiger The Situation really is.

Atlantic City
On a trip to Atlantic City in season one, the cast took in the sites and sounds of the Las Vegas of the East Coast. The guys were at a club when Vinny made the acquaintance of young lady. They exchanged pleasantries and some spit. Then Vinny had to go to the bathroom. In steps everyone’s best friend and all-around good guy, The Situation, to look after the girl. When Vinny got back there’s Sitch doing what he does best, screwing over his purported friend by getting sloppy seconds. What kind of a friend does this? Not to mention it’s kind of disgusting to put your tongue somewhere your buddy just had his. I wonder if Vinny put down a popsicle if The Situation would pick it up and eat it.

The Letter
Season two’s biggest drama centers around a letter written to Sammi about Ronnie and his wandering head at nightclubs – that is it somehow seems to wander in between a nice pair of South Beach’s finest examples of plastic surgery. As viewers we know Snooki and JWoww authored the note (side note – this is probably the only time you’ll see JWoww, Snookie and author in the same sentence). Sammi didn’t know who wrote it and asked The Situation about it. Instead of covering for his friend, like Vinny and Pauly D did, his reaction was basically “yeah that’s true”. When he realized he gave Ronnie up he tried to correct himself by saying something like “if it’s on paper then it’s true”. Well if all it takes is for something to be written to be true then I guess The National Enquirer is on the same level as a New York Times reporter and Mitch Albom. OK, bad examples. His Benedict Arnold act gets worse because a few days (or hours, weeks, months - who knows with MTV’s editing) later The Situation again told Sammi the letter was true and then detailed what kind of girls Ronnie was hitting on. How does Ronnie not want to beat him back to Seaside? If there was one person on that show I would lie to anyone for in order to keep my organs inside my body, it’s Ronnie - the guy loves to punch people in the face (although JWoww is a close 2nd).

Snooki Punch
The third and most egregious example of The Situation being a coward is when Snooki got decked by the archetype of a meathead. If you remember, she was standing at the bar yelling at the guy. The Situation was next to them (as pictured above). The guy connected on Snooki and The Situation essentially did everything other than Chris Tucker’s move in Friday. He was closest to the guy and did nothing. The other roommates chased the puncher out into the street and were ready to beat him like a red-headed stepchild, but not Sitch. Instead of The Situation, he should be called The Bitchuation.

Yet he makes $5,000,000 a year, appears on Dancing with the Stars (looks like “stars” has a looser definition these days than “qualified” does for public office), hosts club events and is “writing” his autobiography. I wish he hired me to help write his autobiography. Here is all you need to know about Mike Sorrentino.

One day I decided to do crunches and lay under a heat lamp. I came up with a nickname for myself after watching Wolf Blitzer - Yo that cat knows the news. MTV wanted some paisans for a reality show. Even though I cook, clean and do laundry, something no old-school Italian men do, they picked me. The End.

The Situation needs to be called out. This baseless infatuation America has with him must end. He's ruining a perfectly good guilty pleasure television program. Friends don’t do what he does to each other. He is all about himself and no one else. Yet Pauly D and Vinny are right there calling him their boy, part of team MVP. I’m waiting for the clothesline Mr. Wonderful gave Hulk Hogan to make a repeat performance on Jersey Shore.

And we all know JWoww is going to be the one to deliver it.

3 comments:

  1. i also like holk hogn but now my favorite is john cena
    AXN Live

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  2. the scene of the snooki punch will always leave a bad taste in my mouth where mike is concerned. not only did he do nothing-he didn't run to snooki's aid or try to punch the guy, he just stood there-don't forget that he was also trying to get a girl to come back to the house with him while the other guys were fuming...

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  3. you are so RIGHT, the guy is a sociopath. i have no idea why nobody sees it either!! years down the road, when he isn't famous anymore.. i'm sure he'll be in jail or something. he's crazy. but vinny and pauly cleary don't see him as their boy anymore...i think for the show's sake, they can't bash him too much in public though. season 3 clearly shows how much everyone hates him.

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