Thursday, October 28, 2010

Oh Slap! Cutthroat Episode Four

When we last left our Cutthroat heroes, Big Easy was upsetting Vinny in The Gulag, but still not winning the hearts and minds of his teammates. Shauvon was quitting the show without even trying in The Gulag, something as popular with TJ as I was in high school.

This week’s episode kicked off with Abram and Cara Maria fooling around while he was playing the piano. Talk about tickling the ivories.

Luke said he really needed to see Camilla’s boobs while she was in earshot. I may be out of the dating game for a while, but I’m pretty sure saying I want to see your boobs only works in Cancun, Spearmint Rhino, and lunch with Paris Hilton.

Unfortunately for Luke, it turned out Camilla has a thing for Johnny Bananas. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there. Before you turn 30, the bigger dick you are, the more people you piss off and the more you define the word douchebag, the more girls you will get. Life isn’t always fair that way.


Johnny and Ty commiserated about how to get Eric back in The Gulag. Johnny once again seems to be taking the role of grand manipulator. How he gains the trust of the new cast members is beyond me. The guy screws people over on his own team every single season and yet there he is again, leader of the pack. He is the Brett Favre of Cutthroat. Hopefully without the Crocs and cell phone pictures.

Laurel said she’s looking for a win because morale for the Gray Team is down. Most people look for a win because there’s $20,000 on the line. My team could have the morale of Congressional Democrats, but if I won $20,000 I’d be ok with them not being able to shake being down in the dumps.

Challenge day took the gang to a horse track. The challenge was called Bottleneck Stampede. There was an obstacle course that created traffic jams, or bottlenecks. Everyone competed at the same time and whichever team got everyone through first won $20,000, immunity, and a victory dinner. If MTV really wanted these people to be competitive, the losers wouldn’t get anything to eat and be forced to watch the winners scarf down their meal. The next day they’d say the hell with Dr. Dre earphones, I want to win because I need a side of broccoli.

Tyler said the Red Team’s goal was to get everyone to the finish line and not worry what the other team did. That’s like General Eisenhower saying he just wanted to take Normandy, and not be too worried with what the Germans were doing.

And off they go. This race was what you’d expect. A lot of grabbing, blind groping, and heavy breathing. Or as Amy from my teenage years called it, making out with Steve.

Big Easy said he and Derrick finished at the same token. I’m guessing Eric didn’t nail the verbal section of his SATs.

The Red Team won again, the 2nd week in a row for them. Gray finished next and Blue brought up the rear.

At the Blue Team deliberations Katie volunteered to throw herself in because she got a free pass with Shauvon quitting the previous Gulag. The guys’ entrant was to be decided between Eric and Ty. Ty came up with the idea of him racing Eric to see who went in. That makes sense. Nothing is better than exerting yourself more than you have to before a big event. I know Michael Jordan used to play Scottie Pippen 1-on-1 before Finals games.

The votes came in and the contestants for The Gulag were Ayiiia vs Katie for the ladies and after a little drama, Luke vs Eric for the guys. Anytime I hear Ayiiia’s name I think of that song Iesha by Another Bad Creation. Never has a group’s name been more apropos.

After seeing Eric upset at having to go into Gulag again, Jenn said she knew he wasn’t happy. Really? He won a Gulag, busted his ass in the day’s challenge and got voted in again. Job almost had an easier few days.

In the hot tub Eric got Ayiiia to show him her boobs. I guess being on deck for The Gulag does have its benefits.

Brad noticed Camilla getting cozy with Johnny and didn’t like it. He felt she was being used by Johnny and promised that if they ever lose again, she’d be going in. When confronted, Camilla said when she and Johnny talk they don’t even talk about the competition. Really? I wonder what they do talk about. Global economics, the mid-term elections, or maybe even Middle East peace? Or could it be the competition? I’ll go with the competition.

TJ showed up unannounced which scared the cast. He summoned Eric and Luke and called them before the entire group. It’s been a long time since I’ve had pledging flashbacks. Thanks TJ. What’s next, a bowl full of curry?

TJ gave the guys razors and shaving cream to shave their faces, mandating them to come down clean shaven. If the cast was made up of people from certain parts of the Mediterranean, TJ would have had to ask the girls to do the same thing.

TJ exited and told them he’d see them at The Gulag. Why would they need to be clean shaven for this Gulag? Job interview? Formal event? Cunnilingus?

At the scene of The Gulag we found out the contestants had to play a game called Swat. Each player was chained by their neck to a table, seated across from each other. Each person was given a fly swatter and when TJ said go they hit each other in the face. As each round progressed, the fly swatter increased in size.  In round three a bucket of dirt was brought into the mix. Each person had to hold their arm out 90 degrees, grip a ring, and try to keep the bucket off the floor while hitting their opponent with a swatter using their other hand. The first bucket to hit the floor lost.

Katie emerged as the winner for the women.

Luke said he’s played this game before with drunk buddies. I know that’s what we always did when we got drunk. “Hey you guys want to go meet some girls?” “Sure, but before we do…SLAP FIGHT!!”

Luke, using the strategy of not hitting Eric hard and focusing on keeping the bucket up, upset Big Easy. This win falls somewhere between Truman over Dewey and the Jets over the Colts in Super Bowl III.

Back at the house, the Red Team discussed Camilla and her closeness to Johnny. As a result, Camilla told Johnny she didn’t know who to trust.

Which is like telling Charlie Sheen you’ll go with him to prom because you want to keep your virginity.

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