Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Rolling the Dice: Cutthroat Episode Three

Before we get to this week’s Cutthroat review, it should be noted that host TJ Lavin suffered a horrific injury last week while performing a stunt at the Dew Tour Championships. All indications  are TJ will pull through, but he is in a coma and suffered a shattered wrist. Here’s hoping TJ gets better soon and is hosting the next challenge. As the retirement of Bob Barker is proving, once an iconic host leaves a show the network might as well get ready to find new programming because the replacement is never as good as the original. The same theory applies to The Challenge and TJ Lavin. He is to the MTV show what Gene Rayburn was to Match Game. With less sexual harassment.

This week’s episode of Cutthroat began with the gang sharing space in a hot tub. The show might be in Prague, but the hot tub culture transcends continents. Let’s hope the water is extra hot to kill off whatever may be crawling around in there.

Laurel told Big Easy that he couldn’t get a girl to touch him. She then proceeded to list all of the inadequacies she felt he had and how repulsed he made her, and the entire female species, feel. It takes a lot for me to feel sympathy for the cast members, mostly because I’m jealous I can’t compete for six figures over ta month in a foreign country. However, listening to Eric talk about how hard it is for him to lose weight makes you really feel for the guy. I’m surprised MTV didn’t play Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” in the background. Sure Eric’s feelings take a hit here, but Laurel is clearly coping for the fact she’s only appealing to men with a totem pole fetish. Laurel’s diatribe makes Leona Helmsley look like Mother Theresa.

The T-Mobile text came telling the group to be ready tomorrow and wear their bathing suits. Let’s get wet.

TJ mets the cast and explained the challenge “Bed Head” to them. The goal of this one was for each team member to jump from one bed to the next. They can’t move on to the next bed until the whole team makes it on the previous one. If someone doesn’t make the jump, they are disqualified. The team that goes the furthest, in the shortest amount of time, and with the most team members left wins. The catch is, the beds are suspended 40 feet above the ground. Where are the Flying Sandos Brothers when you need them?

The Red Team was up first. They were unremarkable in their execution but finished.

The Gray Team was up next. Laurel, even though tall enough to walk from bed to bed, botched the jump and fell off the bed. Karma is a bitch, but not as big of one as Laurel. Shauvon went into a panic attack before her turn because on a past challenge she tried a similar task and ended up popping her implant. She stalled because she was just trying to save her boobies. And you can too by donating for my sister-in-law’s participation in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure here. Shameless plugs are shameless plugs, but at least this one is for a good cause.

Because of Shauvon’s inability to jump, her team got disqualified. This led to Sarah going off on Shauvon about what a waste of space she is. Just because you have tattoos all over your body doesn’t mean you’re a badass Sarah. Hasn’t Good Charlotte taught you anything?

The Blue Team went last. Katie, despite a solid effort, decided to fight water falling 40 feet from the air. After countless similar battles, water is still undefeated. Johnny got disqualified for a boneheaded move. For a guy who acts like he’s the top dog, he sure does get humped by the challenges a lot. 

TJ told everyone the Red Team won. As a result, the Blue and Gray teams were headed to the Gulag and the Reds get to dine like kings. Just like Soviet-era Prague.

Shauvon volunteered to put herself into the Gulag. Seeing how she cost her team the chance to compete that’s the noble thing to do. Vinny got voted in by the team for the guys.

The Blue Team’s deliberations weren’t as civil. Johnny tried to strong-arm the votes how he saw fit. Like sheep, the team listened to him. After the votes, it was determined Eric and Katie were going in.

After the vote, Johnny walked into the kitchen and said he found the “I Hate Johnny Bananas Club”. Really? When’s the next meeting?

Katie is pissed she has to go in the Gulag and took it out on Emily, a fresh face to the challenge. Tyler came to Emily’s rescue saying she’s only a rookie and had no say. I wonder if the Wizards are going to use the same mentality with John Wall this year.

Coach: OK guys, there’s two seconds left, we’re down by one. I want Wall to drive to the hoop and take the shot.
Arenas: But Coach, he’s a rookie. He shouldn’t even be on the floor.
Coach: You know what, you’re right Gil. You take the shot.

The sad thing is this conversation will probably happen.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Lindsay Lohan and Katie might be separated at birth. The Olsen Twins are less alike.

A surprise development as the Gulag got canceled until the next day. Off to the bars!

After a few drinks, Johnny rounded everyone up because he thought it was time to go. Sounds like the move of another insecure douchebag on MTV. What is it with these guys making people leave bars when they say it’s time?

As the cast headed out the door someone crashed down the stairs. In the confessional Brad said he wondered if it was one of their guys. If it had nothing to do with the cast, would you really go home and confess about it? 
Turns out if was Johnny throwing someone down the stairs after claiming he was jumped by a few Czechs. He said he beat up two guys, threw one down the stairs, and then walked out of the bar without incident or law enforcement appearing? There were MTV cameras everywhere, but none of the footage made the cut? The only thing we saw was Johnny’s busted eye. For all we know a drunken Czech fell down the stairs and hit Johnny on his way down. OJ’s alibi had fewer holes.

Next up was the Gulag. The task at hand was getting a giant die to show the same number TJ rolled. They couldn’t have their feet on the ground to achieve this. Big E took it home for the guys. Vinny didn’t take losing too well and told anyone who would listen that he’d kick their ass. And here I thought O'Bannion ended his ways when Mitch Kramer poured paint on him.

Shauvon didn’t even try to compete in the Gulag, so Katie won by default. This angered TJ greatly since he likes quitters as much as politicians like facts.

In the end, the Blues kept two and the Grays lost two.

It was like Gettysburg all over again.

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