Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Where Pole Position Isn't a Video Game: Cutthroat Episode Five

After last week’s Cutthroat saw Big Easy and Ayiiia pack their bags and bid adieu to Prague, we were left wondering if the budding romance between Johnny Bananas and Camilla was a deep emotional connection or Johnny using all his inner Buttafuoco to make a girl with few allies on the cast swoon. Will Camilla be the mole Johnny needs? Will the Red Team follow Brad’s lead and get wise to the situation? Do any of the cast members have skills that translate into the American workforce?  Let’s find out if any of these questions were answered in episode five.

The show started off with the cast on what looked like a cruise of some sorts around Prague. Like anything else the group does it turned it into a booze cruise. This clan could turn sleeping into a drinking game.

Dan, a recovering alcoholic, is having a hard time dealing with his issues. His efforts should be applauded but going to one of these challenges in his condition is like Tiger Woods going to the Playboy Mansion to talk to Hef about starting a magazine.

Ty made a bet where if he sank a shot he’d get $100 from Brandon. If he didn’t then Luke would give him the Lewinsky treatment, even though Luke never ok'd this. Ty missed. The Lewinsky didn’t happen, but Ty said that letting a guy do that to you doesn’t make you gay. He also doesn’t think being on Entourage makes you a bad actor or being a Bravo Real Housewife doesn’t make you a narcissist with no redeemable qualities.

This bet turned into a fight between Ty and Brandon. Like 99% of these war or words no punches were thrown. These conflicts on the challenges are like baseball fights. There’s a lot of posturing and swearing, occasional pushing, and people getting paid to play a game. However, just like baseball, when there’s a good fight it’s really good.

The TJ text came in and it said the cast should be able to glide through the challenge and bring their bathing suits.

The challenge was called Surf’s Up and was a swimming race. In teams of two, they jumped on a “surfboard” suspended 40 feet in the air, like David Lee Roth in Just Like Paradise, except they were over a river, not legions of screaming fans. The goal was to surf as far as possible then swim the remainder.

The Blue Team was first. In the last duo Ty said he was the most athletic person on the team right before he was the only person on Team Blue to immediately fall off the surfboard. Are we sure his isn’t Milosh the Tennis Pro? Luke made the comment that Ty screwed up on every challenge. If Ty was a better competitor maybe Luke would have made good on that bet from earlier.

The Gray Team was next. Laurel didn’t like her teammate Sarah was so far ahead of her and asked her to slow down. That’s like Dane Cook saying to Louis CK “You’re so much funnier than I am, how about making your jokes not as funny so the material I don’t steal from you sounds better?”

The Red Team was third. Chet was in the first group and fell off the surfboard, doing what amounted to a bellyflop on his neck. He finished the race, but had seen better days. His face turned pale, like Anne Hathaway pale. He was taken away in an ambulance with a neck brace on. He ended up having to stay overnight in the hospital for observation. (Note: The episode ended showing Chet in the hospital with an IV drip and heart monitor beeping)

The Red Team didn’t learn from Chet’s misfortune and just about every one of the members fell early on in the race, which is not the most efficient way to win a race.  On one of these falls, Brandon made it halfway through the swim but suddenly started asking for help. His partner, Dunbar, just sat and looked at him flounder in the water. Some people are rescuers, some people freeze, then there’s Dunbar who gets mad at the victim. If he was sitting next to Lincoln at Ford's Theater he'd probably ask Honest Abe why he didn't move. Brandon ended up taking himself out of the match because of a cramp. To anyone who’s woken up in the middle of the night with a calf cramp and had to scream into a pillow, they can sympathize with Brandon Am I right? Anyone?

The Gray Team won the challenge, banking $20,000, securing immunity and getting that big meal. The Blue and Red Teams had to decide who to send in to The Gulag.

There was no commiseration among the teams as to who should go in. Or MTV edited it out.

The Blue Team nominated Katie for the girls and Ty for the guys.

The Red Team voted in Camilla for the girls and Brandon for the guys.

Paula told Camilla she really wanted her to come back from The Gulag. Well that settles it. Camilla would definitely try her best now because if Paula didn’t want her there then what’s the point of even going on?

Emily, in a little levity, sprayed shaving cream on Ty. This wasn’t a smart move. Ty took a potted plant and dumped it in Emily’s bed. Ty then took her bed and pulled it down to the floor. Unfortunately for Emily she was under the bed. Ty has some anger issues. Maybe years of lying to himself about being a good athlete ate away at him. Or maybe he’s just an asshole.

Enter The Gulag where the game was called Pole Me Over, which was basically a reverse tug-o-war with a pole. First to two wins got to stay in Prague.

The guys were up first. Brandon and Ty got to settle some unfinished business from earlier in the episode. After winning the first heat, Ty pulled a Michael Spinks and never got up after falling out of the ring. Brandon, like Mike Tyson, is 3-0 after his first three battles.

In the girls’ Gulag Camilla made short work of Katie. I guess knowing Paula wanted her back was all the inspiration she needed. To continue with the baseball analogy from earlier, Camilla was Nolan Ryan and Katie was Robin Ventura.

Back at the house Johnny realized his team isn’t in the best shape, with only five members left. Looks like after years of screwing people over and treating fellow castmates worse than Chris Matthews treats conservatives, someone’s chickens have come home to roost a bit.


  1. johnny bananas is sexxy

  2. no he isnt...he such a manipulattive douchebag. he needs to shut the hell up. god. i dont want him to win!.


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