Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It's The Final Countdown: Cutthroat Episode 9

When thinking of some of the best cliffhangers, The Empire Strikes Back immediately comes to mind. Han Solo was shipped off from Cloud City on Boba Fett’s transport to deliver him to Jabba. Last week’s Cutthroat ended with a cliffhanger of its own. Tina talked a big game but Theresa took her down. CT, who like Jabba is a monster difficult to understand, was getting ready to “put Johnny in the dirt”. Fade to black.

This week’s episode, the last before next week’s finale, began with Johnny strapped to CT. Here are some things I’d rather be strapped to than CT: My seat during a Dane Cook performance, the set of Fox & Friends, and the bed post when Dan and Roseanne Connor had sex. TJ gave the guys the go ahead. Going with the Star Wars theme, CT treated Johnny like the Rancor did the Gamorrean Guard.

Tina against Tori was next. This was a match-up between a girl that wanted to quit versus a girl whose bark is much worse than her bite. Surprisingly Tori beat Tina in a faster time than Theresa did, so the quitter-to-be reversed field and won to see another day. Tina’s performance was more disappointing than Bill Buckner’s ground ball ability.

Next it was Tyler’s turn against CT. CT went down on all fours and basically made Tyler do his version of riding the bull. However in this case there wasn’t a crowd of people yelling “Show ‘em!”.  The flailing worked and Tyler lasted longer than Johnny’s pitiful 19 seconds. 19 seconds? Even Andy Stitzer lasted longer than that on his wedding night.

Back at the house, the TMobile clue came in saying the challenge would be a riot.

Jenn said her team’s strategy should be to stay out of that last Gulag. Were they trying to go in all the other ones?

The Blue and Gray teams commiserated about throwing the challenge so the Grays could get rid of Cara Maria and Luke. If only R.E. Lee and U.S. Grant had common foes like Luke and Cara Maria, Bull Run might be just a nickname for an insane tradition in Pamplona.

TJ introduced the game of Riot Act as basically a joust with riot gear over a mud pit. Last man  and woman standing won. Whoever won was going directly to the final.

The Red Team girls were taken out first. That left Blue and Gray. Laurel and Sarah pretended they were trying to win but a 30 year old Gabrielle Cateris as a West Beverly High student was more believable. After some harsh words from Abram, Laurel flipped her stance and cleared house. As a result, Gray won round 1.

The guys were up next. I’m pretty sure if I was in this competition and was hit by any of these guys I’d be airborne. Luke and Abram were knocked off, leaving three Red Team guys and Derrick. Derrick, despite a valiant effort, was eliminated, giving the Red round 2.

It was Red vs Gray in the final. Red nominated Brad and Gray picked Abram. The winner won the challenge and a trip to the finals. You have to give Brad credit. He managed to avoid any sort of responsibility until the second to last week. That’s some good procrastination right there. I guess Brad should have exerted himself a little more throughout the show because he was rusty as Abram knocked him out, putting Gray in the finals. As a result of Abram’s win, the final Gulag would pit Red vs Blue. 

On the ride back to the house, Laurel said she was pissed off because Abram was a psycho. That’s like Rachel Maddow saying she didn’t like Michael Moore because he was liberal.

Paula tried to worm her way out of going in the Gulag. She confessed that she was an idiot. Sometimes it’s hard to hard to admit the truth, Paula. 

TJ showed up to find out who the participants for the Gulag would be. Derrick, as the only Blue Team guy left, was already in. Joining him were Emily, Tyler and Paula.

At some point in Laurel’s life someone did something to her she’s never gotten over. There are bad people and then there’s Laurel. Leona Helmsley’s husband had it easier.

Tyler called out Brad for skating through the show without going into a Gulag. Brad said there’s no rotation in this show. He said this just minutes after voting for Paula because it was her turn to go in since Tori went in the week before. I may not be a certified lawyer, but Brad just got Atticus Finch’d.

Waiting for the Gulag there was a lot of talk about how unfair this game is. Spending a month in Europe on someone else’s dime is not unfair. It’s a form of welfare for those not qualified for a normal job.

TJ welcomed the crew to the final Gulag when those three dreaded words appeared on screen. Not to worry crew, it was not Get a Job, but To Be Continued.

*To read my previous re-caps, visit the homepage and scroll down.

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