Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Time Has Come - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 13 Recap

Lewis Carroll wrote “The time has come the walrus said to talk of many things.” He went on to say of “shoes and ships and sealing wax and of cabbages and kings”. But if Lewis Carroll were alive today and talking about Jersey Shore he might change that to gel and smush and t-shirt store and tanning beds and bling. Actually no he wouldn’t. Lewis Carroll wouldn’t be caught dead talking about Jersey Shore. However, the poem’s first line is apropos in that the time has come for Season Three to end.

I wrote in the past that Sammi and Ronnie were like Ross and Rachel from Friends if only Ross took steroids and Rachel had no personality. Well they are also like those two in that their on-again/off-again relaitonship killed a perfectly good show. Granted Ross never made you think Ike Turner was reincarnated and given a TV show. And yes I know Ike Turner was alive when Friends was on. What do you think killed him? Those re-runs are ALWAYS ON.

Last week’s episode ended with Ronnie making a beeline for Sammi after her friend Arvin told him they fooled around. This show is a great audition tape for Ronnie’s profile. “Do you like sitting around eating mustard sandwiches? Is being afraid for your life a turn-on? Then I’m the guy for you.”

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Make It Stop - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 12 Recap

A lot happened to our friends from Seaside this past week. Snooki appeared on WWE RAW, a development that is as surprising as finding out wrestlers took steroids.  Sammi Sweetheart, a nickname as fitting as a tight shirt on a muffintop, launched her own jewelry line. I hope she doesn’t market any of the pearl necklaces Ronnie may have given her. Finally, The Situation appeared on the roast of Donald Trump and proved that even when he is trying to be funny, people are laughing at him. They also like to target him for jokes like a fraudulent mortgage lender does an unqualified buyer.

This week’s episode began where last week’s left off, Sammi and Ronnie fighting because of The Situation’s meddling. Ronnie seems to like to put his hands on Sammi, and not in a nice way. I’ve asked before, and I’ll ask again, I wonder what would need for happen for MTV to call the police. It’s a good thing MTV cameras weren’t filming inside Chris Brown’s car.

Downstairs Deena rolled around inside a cardboard box. It’s good to know she enjoys the same leisure activities as my dog.

Sammi admitted she called this Arvin guy shortly after she and Ronnie broke up. Ronnie took exception to this and said he doesn’t know if he could be with her again. So the fact he didn’t call anyone post-break up negates the fact he treated her belongings like Donkey Kong?

Sunday, March 13, 2011

You're Roasted - The Roast of Donald Trump

In a perfect world I would be a stand-up comedian. I’d also be wealthy, have a full head of hair and live in a home worth more than I paid for it, but I digress. Unfortunately, speaking in front of a large group of people makes my legs shake like the way my dog does when a storm is coming.

One of the better places to see stand-up comedians at their best is at a Roast. Roasts serve the function of putting someone front and center and letting comedians take shots at them like they were Sarah Palin in a plane hovering over a wolf pack.  Comedy Central has taken the mantel from The Friars Club and Dean Martin as the home of roasts.

This past summer David Hasselhoff was the victim, which showed how great Jeff Ross, Whitney Cummings and the late great Greg Giraldo are at their craft. It also showed that no one laughs with Hulk Hogan these days, only at him.

The latest target of the roasters is Donald Trump. To which I have to say, it’s about time Donald Trump gets made fun of publicly because it’s been going on for years behind his back.

The roast will be aired on March 15. After the roast is over, Julius Caesar will look more fondly upon that date than Donald Trump.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I'm Sam Shady Yes I'm The Real Shady - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 11 Recap

When we last left our heroes of Seaside, Snooki was trying to mend a broken heart, Sammi was back at the house, and The Situation was learning sexually transmitted diseases can be transmitted through acts of sex. There are so many reasons this guy deserves to be booed.

I’ll be giving a few more reasons this Sunday on Progressive Blend Radio at 6:15 as I stand-in as a member of the dais for the Donald Trump Roast airing two days later on Comedy Central. One more programming note, check back here on Sunday to see my second attempt at roasting as I take on The Donald, or as he might refer to himself, the 45th President of the United States.

Enough with the self-promotion, let’s get back to the beach.

This week’s Jersey Shore episode began with Vinny and Pauly going to Staten Island. Pauly said he didn’t know Staten Island is actually an island. He also doesn’t know North Carolina is above South Carolina, sunscreen protects from the sun, and a golf cart gets you from hole to hole on the course.

Back at the house, The Situation was left all alone with JWoww’s dogs. He decided to let them eat garbage. Now we know how every one of his hook-ups feels. The Situation saw the dogs going to the bathroom all over the house and didn’t stop them. Not only does he shit on his roommates with girls, work, and each other but now he’s outsourcing the job.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Sitch Ed - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 10 Recap

In between last Jerday and this Jersday we learned that The Situation will be on the dais for the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump. This is like putting Sarah Palin on a panel of scientists. We also learned that Snooki has plans to create an empire after Jersey Shore raps up. My guess is her first act as Empress will be to eliminate the tax on tanning booths. Her second will be to make steroids comprehensive with vaccines so we can become a nation of juiceheads.

When we last left the heroes of Seaside, Sammi re-entered the house after being away for anywhere between a day and a month as MTV makes it tough to tell the passage of time.

This week’s episode began where last week’s left off, and that is with one half of the not-so-dynamic duo re-entering the house. Ronnie saw her and went outside.

Sammi went around and said hi to everyone. Deena defined ecstatic using the word happy twice. Her nickname should be Websters.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

She's Baaaack - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 9 Recap

This past week we saw what some of the cast of Jersey Shore likes to be on. Snooki was on Regis & Kelly where she compared Regis to an ape. The Situation was on Ellen where he continued one of the greatest con-man schemes - that he is a good guy with some discernible talent who should be promoted rather than vilified for being one of the most two-faced people this side of Harvey Dent. JWoww said she will be on the cover of Playboy and in her birthday suit inside the pages once Jersey Shore has run its course – which means we should see her on the cover shortly after Season 4.

In scenes for this week’s episode MTV teases the return of Sammi to the show. She was gone from the show for about as long as Brett Favre was “retired” in 2008. And 2009. And 2010. I’ve looked forward to this return like jewelry stores look forward to Lindsay Lohan doing a little window shopping.

The episode kicked off with Snooki kicking her guy out of the bed and sending him home. Apparently this guy didn’t measure up and Snooki made plans to meet up with another guy that night. Charlie Sheen doesn’t move this fast.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Eggs Sorrentino - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 8 Recap

If there’s only one day left in the work week that can only mean one thing – that it’s Thursday, or as my morning commute friends on The Kane Show like to call it – Jersday. This week in Jersey Shore news saw Pauly D hanging out with The Favre Slayer and Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers in Las Vegas. I wonder which mantle Rodgers likes more. I’m sure winning the Super Bowl has to be awesome and is probably first, but putting sports’ biggest attention whore in his place has to be a close second. Ronnie plead not guilty to an assault charge everyone with functioning eyes knows he committed in season one.  

The Jersey Shore news isn’t confined to just current cast members either. Former castmate and overall wet blanket Angelina got engaged. You’ve got to have a really short memory if you’re willing to marry a girl who for all intents and purposes had sex on camera less than a year ago and apparently made her way around with two other guys from Jersey Shore. When one of them is The Situation, then that has to mean this guy has a worse memory than the guy in Memento.

Before we begin the review, let’s take a moment of silence for Uncle Leo who passed away this week. Somewhere an angel just walked past him and said “Hello”.  At least for the angel’s sake I hope he did.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Girl Don't Go Away Mad to Your Home Sweet Home - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 7 Recap

This past week was a big one for the cast of Jersey Shore. JWoww released a  book on dating, The Situation said he’s going to leave the Shore and head for Hollywood, Snooki was on Letterman, and Vinny agreed to start his acting career on another MTV show. With all this going on your humble blogger continued eating pasta for dinner while staring at his multiple degrees on the wall after a long day of the daily grind. 
One positive thing about the past week was we didn’t hear much about Sammi or Ronnie. I’m guessing that will change in the next hour. Jersey Shore should just change its name to Paisans because Sammi and Ronnie have done more to kill a show since Rachel and Ross or Monica and Chandler took down Friends. Come to think of it, Friends just kind of sucked after the first few seasons. 

This week’s episode started off with Ronnie and Sammi arguing. Their relationship makes Tony and Carmela Soprano look like The Cleavers. The Situation told Sammi that there was so much drama between her and Ronnie in Miami that there was no turning back. Ronnie didn’t take to that too kindly and finally called him out. To the camera and not personally, but it’s a start. Ronnie promised to confront Mike on this and his continual scheme of playing both sides.  There are kids who don’t look forward to Christmas like I’m looking forward to this. Don’t let me down Ronnie Claus.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Stop The Insanity - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 6 Recap

Last week’s Jersey Shore had two break-ups, two make-ups, an emerging new couple and rumors of a vegetarian in the house. In this week’s episode will Sammi and Ronnie extend the nation’s longest dramatic relationship? Will The Situation continue to play the role of house yenta – The Situation is neither talented nor likable in any way…discuss. Will JWoww’s dog keep interrupting her during sex or will she wise up and distract the dog with a vacuum cleaner?

Let’s hit NJ 37 and see what happened.

This week’s episode starts off where last week’s left off, with JWoww quoting Entourage and me remembering when Jeremy Piven was a good actor. At Karma, the roommates were drinking and celebrating the good vibes in the house. Sammi saw this and was worried about Ronnie, because that’s who she is.

After Karma and back at the house, Sammi made Ronnie food. Given Ronnie’s state, I’m pretty sure whatever goes in is coming out pretty quick. Yep, there’s the evidence of his dinner. Snooki slept with the dogs. Not in her bed mind you, but on the floor next to them.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Treaty of Jers-aille - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 5 Recap

There was big news this week in the world of Jersey Shore, and really what other worlds are there these days? It was revealed that season four of the ratings juggernaut will be filmed in Italy, where all of the cast leads us to believe they are from, but in actuality a few are not. As a fan of the show I find this development fascinating. As an Italian I find it frustrating. I always thought I’d get to Italy before The Situation, because as everyone knows, you never want to be somewhere The Situation has been. After he’s been there, Italy might as well be Nikki Benz…a beautiful place that’s had one too many dicks in it.

Last week we found out that JWoww’s ex-boyfriend Tom might be the worst person to date this side of Charlie Sheen. What about this week? Will Snooki continue to deal with her drinking issues? Will Pauly and Vinny continue their plight to be the modern day Abbott and Costello? Will the editors continue their fine work of last week and keep The Situation’s appearances to a minimum? We can only hope.

The episode began not in Jersey, but in Long Island at JWoww’s apartment where she and Snooki were going over the scorched Earth break-up that Tom carried out.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 4 Recap

When the last episode of Jersey Shore went to black, we were left wondering what would become of the most famous Jersey jailbird since Plaxico Burress. There are certain images of people in police custody that never erase from the public’s memory. Lee Harvey Oswald getting shot by Jack Ruby, Mike Tyson showing off his ‘cuffs under a trench coat, and a drunken Guidette wearing giant sunglasses yelling she’s a good person are all examples of these events etched in our minds.

This week’s episode began with Snooki being lowered into a squad car. JWoww decided to call Snooki’s dad to let him know of his daughter’s arrest. He wasn’t happy but didn’t fly off the handle.

The guys came home and were told of Snooki’s arrest. This led them to realize she has a drinking problem. In other news, they also figured out Brett Favre’s constant need for attention means he’s insecure and Ashton Kutcher’s continual making of shitty movies means he’s not a good actor.

Monday, January 17, 2011

America's Snookheart - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 3 Recap

When we left our heroes last week, Sunday Dinner’s importance was confirmed and Ronnie and Sammi were fighting to the point of a near break-up. This week, MTV decided to use a bonus episode of their ratings superstar as a lead-in for a program that will most likely not see a second season, their new show Skins. What was the last MTV non-reality show MTV had that succeeded? Beavis and Butthead? I’m not kidding, it might be that long. Then again it’s been even longer since they aired music. Hiyo!

The special bonus episode kicked off with a continuation of Sammi and Ronnie fighting. According to some crack reporting by my wife, it seems that around this time the crew watched footage from Miami and Sammi saw all Ronnie did with other girls. She realized he was lying to her and still stuck by him. She must really think nothing of herself.

JWoww expressed slight concern that Snooki hasn’t been sober since they got to the beach. Snooki, maybe drunk or maybe not, said she wanted to touch Vinny’s ‘Seabiscuit’. Outside of the Jersey Shore Vinny will never sleep alone again. Some reputations are good for business.

Snooki said Deena wants to hook up with Mike but hasn’t been forward enough. Really? She’s dropped her bikini bottom in front of him and flat out told him he could have her. That’s not being forward?  Dracula wasn’t as blatant.

Snooki tricked The Situation into having a threesome with her and Deena only to slip out the room to go find Vinny and hope he’d slip something into her.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Don't Miss Dinner - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 2 Recap

In the first episode of Jersey Shore Season Three we met new roommate Deena and were left on the cusp of Sammi-JWoww II. 

If Ali-Frazier had The Thrilla in Manilla, then these two ladies going tit for umm, well, tit one more time has to be called The Catfight After Midnight or The Let’s Get Scurvy in New Jersey. (You try to find something that rhymes with NJ and is relevant to a fight)

If there is one thing that is clear so far this season it is that Snooki, JWoww and now Deena do not like Sammi. For someone who goes by the nickname ‘Sweetheart’ and says she’s “sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet” she’s not exactly a sweetheart or sweet in any way. Old cigarette ads were less deceptive.  

This week’s episode began with fists flying and hair pulling. It wasn’t interesting to see that some of the people tried to break it up, but it was telling that Ronnie wasn’t one of them. It’s like he takes his cues on dealing with girls getting hit from The Situation. 

Friday, January 7, 2011

You Gotta Fight For Your Right, To Fist Pump - Jersey Shore Season 3 Episode One Recap

For those of you who enjoyed my reviews of MTV's Cutthroat, get ready for Jersey Shore to receive the same treatment. If you want to read cynical commentary, dated references, personal anecdotes and general Jersey Shore information you can find almost anywhere on the interwebs, then stick around. You won't be disappointed.

We begin Season Three of MTV's Jersey Shore with the gang re-uniting in Seaside Heights after a brief trek to the Jersey of the South, aka Florida. By moving South the cast gained addition by subtraction in the good-riddance-ing of Angelina. What is the length of time before we see her in an issue of Hustler or starring in a "private" sex tape with 2011s version of Joey Buttafuoco? I say less than six months.

MTV has been around long enough to know you can't simply discard a cast member and not replace her. Becky on Roseanne and Laurie on That 70s Show proved that. However MTV didn't find a new girl who looked like Angelina and pretend she was the same person because that would be ridiculous. Plus Furio from The Sopranos was unavailable. But they did go to the best judge of character this side of the Cincinnati Bengals and asked Snooki to bring her friend Deena along to the shore.

Some thoughts before we get to the start of Season 3.

Jersey Shore Season 3

Stay tuned for my review of Jersey Shore Season 3; Episode 1...
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