Thursday, January 20, 2011

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 4 Recap

When the last episode of Jersey Shore went to black, we were left wondering what would become of the most famous Jersey jailbird since Plaxico Burress. There are certain images of people in police custody that never erase from the public’s memory. Lee Harvey Oswald getting shot by Jack Ruby, Mike Tyson showing off his ‘cuffs under a trench coat, and a drunken Guidette wearing giant sunglasses yelling she’s a good person are all examples of these events etched in our minds.

This week’s episode began with Snooki being lowered into a squad car. JWoww decided to call Snooki’s dad to let him know of his daughter’s arrest. He wasn’t happy but didn’t fly off the handle.

The guys came home and were told of Snooki’s arrest. This led them to realize she has a drinking problem. In other news, they also figured out Brett Favre’s constant need for attention means he’s insecure and Ashton Kutcher’s continual making of shitty movies means he’s not a good actor.

Most of the roommates went to get Snooki out of jail. When she got home she called her dad, who then gave her a lecture on her excessive drinking and shame. He said the next time she gets arrested he will come down to Seaside and pull her home. He said he wasn’t angry, but disappointed.

In my opinion Snooki’s old man took it easy on her. As the son of an Italian man, my dad wouldn’t have been angry, he would have been pissed off. I can safely say that if I had a sister and she behaved like Snooki does, there would be no Jersey Shore, no book deals, no binge drinking and no smushing because according to my dad, and I quote, “the leash wouldn’t reach the front door.” I’m pretty sure he was exaggerating but I’m not 100% positive. All I know is if I had a sister, the way Al Bundy treated Kelly’s boyfriends would be a pampering compared to what my dad would do to her potential suitors. Unless it was my friend Brian, then he’d give his blessing.

JWoww and Snooki had a heart to heart about why Snooki drinks so much. They realized that all Snooki needs is a love in her life. Snooki admitted to JWoww she’s addicted to bronzer, boys and booze. Move over Dr. Drew, JWoww supplanted you as the best person at hearing the airing of grievances. Consider her a human Festivus.

Cabs were there so it was time to go out. MVP and Deena hit the club. Deena was getting more female action than the guys did. To this Pauly D gave her an unlimited MVP pass.

Deena moved on from the ladies to a meathead. He even had a faux-hawk, which apparently Deena likes. Watch out douchebags of the tri-state area, Deena is on to you. The guy looked a lot like Ronnie. MVP even called him Ronnie. This might be like when George dated a girl that looked like Jerry.

Turns out he and Ronnie knew each other and his girlfriend is named Sam too. Fake Ronnie has the same devotion to his Sam as Real Ronnie had to his in Miami. Deena said she didn’t give Fake Ronnie the Golden Ticket, but provided a sneak peak. If only Willy Wonka was as generous to his loyal clientele. 

The next night meant it was time to go out again. This time the whole house went. So much for Snooki taking it easy. She went without alcohol barely longer than Charlie Sheen does. You know, from breakfast to lunch.

JWoww ran into her ex Roger again. Apparently he does not have a girlfriend like JWoww thought. However she is still spoken for. For now.

Almost as if he knew she was out partying with another guy, JWoww’s boyfriend called her to check in. In the conversation, Tom called JWoww a bitch. She shrugged it off as if he called her sweetheart. I’ve been with my wife for almost six years. I’ve never called her that, or anything close to it. You know how I know I haven’t? Because I’m still with her. 

The next day JWoww spoke to Roger and made plans to meet up with him. Without missing a beat Tom called. It’s almost as if MTV told him to call then. But MTV would never script a show, right?

Snooki told JWoww she didn’t want to drink anymore. Unless it’s Pinot, because pregnant women drink it. What pregnant women does she know that drink Pinot? By her rationale, I guess Snooki is going to start going to sleep at 7pm, having frequent heartburn, and drinking milk like it’s the antidote.

Roger showed up again, with another friend, to hang out with JWoww and Snooki. Snooki fell in love with Roger’s friend. Cupid’s arrow seems to hit her more often than Kim Kardashian. Unfortunately for Snooki, the arrow never sticks.

JWoww, Snooki, Roger and Snooki’s new beau hit the boardwalk. Then they hit the bedroom. Who knew all it took were funnel cakes and Mack and Mancos to impress a lady?

The next morning, after Roger and his friend left, Tom called JWoww. She told him about Roger, which to no one’s surprise led to their break-up. JWoww said she didn’t do anything. If her relationship was at a dead end, that’s ok and more power to her for realizing it, but to say she was guilt-free and believe it, is reminiscent of this

JWoww was concerned about her dogs and went to her house with Snooki to check on them and survey what Tom may have done. JWoww’s ex left her dogs to fend for themselves. In another dick move he took a sentimental piece of jewelry belonging to JWoww he had no connection to. In an even bigger dick move, also known as theft, he apparently stole money from her. (Tough to tell with the editing, come on MTV)

There’s handling a break up poorly, then Taylor Swift’s scorn through song, followed by Alex Forrest, and then Tom.

The Situation might have watched a girl get punched right in front of him, but at least he didn’t go through her pockets when she was down.

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