Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Treaty of Jers-aille - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 5 Recap

There was big news this week in the world of Jersey Shore, and really what other worlds are there these days? It was revealed that season four of the ratings juggernaut will be filmed in Italy, where all of the cast leads us to believe they are from, but in actuality a few are not. As a fan of the show I find this development fascinating. As an Italian I find it frustrating. I always thought I’d get to Italy before The Situation, because as everyone knows, you never want to be somewhere The Situation has been. After he’s been there, Italy might as well be Nikki Benz…a beautiful place that’s had one too many dicks in it.

Last week we found out that JWoww’s ex-boyfriend Tom might be the worst person to date this side of Charlie Sheen. What about this week? Will Snooki continue to deal with her drinking issues? Will Pauly and Vinny continue their plight to be the modern day Abbott and Costello? Will the editors continue their fine work of last week and keep The Situation’s appearances to a minimum? We can only hope.

The episode began not in Jersey, but in Long Island at JWoww’s apartment where she and Snooki were going over the scorched Earth break-up that Tom carried out.
Back in NJ, Snooki’s friend Ryder showed up even though Snooki wasn’t around. Apparently Vinny has a past with her. He said Snooki told him not to have sex with her. Ryder told Vinny it was just her birthday and said she turned 22. I bet Vinny’s glad she didn’t say 18.

JWoww and Snooki loaded up JWoww’s car with her stuff, including her two dogs. So now this house is going to have residents that sleep all day, drink from anything, and hump whatever comes into sight? And now there are JWoww’s dogs too?  

JWoww and Snooki got back to the house and soon thereafter it was time to go out.  Roger, JWoww’s new guy who was her old guy, was out at the club. Looks like JWoww’s going to land on her feet. For how long those feet are on the ground and not horizontal in Roger’s bed, only time will tell. (Update: not very long)

Sammi saw Ronnie talking to a girl, which to her meant he was going to cheat on her. Turns out Ronnie knew the girl, but Sammi was as reasonable in explaining this to as the Catholic Church was when Galileo was telling them the Earth revolves around the sun. I bet the Church came around faster than Sammi does.

The fighting continued back at the house where a drunken Sammi continued to hold Ronnie’s Miami actions over his head. Sammi is so far beyond being rational and mature in her relationship with Ronnie that I don’t even think Gloria Allred would side with her.

Sammi went downstairs to get pizza and Ronnie used this time to empty all her stuff out of the closet on the floor because she said she wanted to go home. Sammi cried because she didn’t know where Ronnie’s actions came from, to which Ronnie said her tears meant nothing to him. There’s being cold like Will Hunting to Skylar in her dorm room and then there’s Ronnie.

Vinny introduced us to the grenade whistle to let Seaside know when there are grenades at the Jersey Shore House. This is like a Guido Batman symbol. Pauly D took the cue and avoided his grenade. Score one for the grenade whistle.

The uncle of a girl Vinny picked up showed up and took her home. So much for Seabiscuit getting out of the gate tonight.

Ronnie was lying on the couch, clearly upset that Sammi is a psychopath. JWoww tried to comfort him, which made Ronnie break down. Like his commercial, I guess Ronnie does keep it real.

The Situation, sensing the opportunity to be a dick, went and asked Sammi if Ronnie had any condoms. Then he told her Ronnie was talking to JWoww. Sammi didn’t take this well and asked him if Ronnie was friends with her. He played coy which got Sammi in his face. Then she punched him across the jaw. In a move that showed what a complete douche he really is, The Situation moved in and comforted Ronnie by putting his arm around him. This would be like us telling South Korea that Japan was allies with North Korea only to then give Japan money after they were attacked because of that relationship. It’s a good thing his name is The Situation and not The Ambassador.

Sammi called her mom and asked her to come get her. Vinny went to calm her down. He said what almost every viewer of the show said to her, and that is so what if Ronnie is friends with JWoww. The rest of crew, minus Ronnie and JWoww, pleaded with her to stay too, which apparently fell on deaf ears.

Before Sammi was going to leave she apologized to Ronnie for punching him. She explained why she did it to which Ronnie said nothing, got up, and left to cry on the couch. Sammi followed him and asked him to go inside with her one last time where they crawled into bed and held each other.

Sammi eventually asked Ronnie if he wanted her to go home. Ronnie told her he’d give her a chance to redeem herself. Sammi called her mom and told her to forget about making that trip to Seaside. And the drama continues…

It wasn’t mentioned, but with a spread like this it looks like a Sunday Dinner - where all issues and fights stay outside.

JWoww and Deena went on a date night with their respective beaus, Roger and Ronnie’s doppelganger.

Vinny and Snooki went out and bought a stripper pole. Snooki asked if the charge would come up as stripper pole on her credit card statement because if it did her dad would get mad. She makes $30,000 per episode and she can’t afford her own stripper pole? Someone needs to talk to Suze Orman.

The guys went and got haircuts. While there, one of the barbers mentioned a trick Deena was good at. There were some bleeps, but I think you could find it as an appetizer on most menus.

Being the stand-up guy he is, The Situation told Deena she was being talked about in the barbershop. Even though I’ve been with my wife for almost 6 years I still don’t know that much about women. But I do know they enjoy talk about what they do/don’t do sexually somewhere between having to buy a bridesmaid dress and being the last of their friends to get married.

Deena said she was going to rip Dean (fake Ronnie) a new asshole for talking about her. If it was true about Deena’s repertoire, at least it will be clean.

Deena saw fake Ronnie at the club that night and told him whatever they had was done. Somehow people will continue to live their lives knowing this couple wasn't meant to be.

JWoww extended an olive branch to Sammi and bought her a drink. They made up and JWoww asked to hug it out.

I like JWoww. I think she’s a genuine person who admirably stands up for her friends. But if she ever quotes Entourage again, we’re done.

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1 comment:

  1. jWoww and Snooki got back to the house and soon thereafter it was time to go out. Roger, JWoww’s new guy who was her old guy, was out at the club. Looks like JWoww’s going to land on her feet. For how long those feet are on the ground and not horizontal in Roger’s bed, only time will tell. (Update: not very long)


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