Friday, January 7, 2011

You Gotta Fight For Your Right, To Fist Pump - Jersey Shore Season 3 Episode One Recap


For those of you who enjoyed my reviews of MTV's Cutthroat, get ready for Jersey Shore to receive the same treatment. If you want to read cynical commentary, dated references, personal anecdotes and general Jersey Shore information you can find almost anywhere on the interwebs, then stick around. You won't be disappointed.

We begin Season Three of MTV's Jersey Shore with the gang re-uniting in Seaside Heights after a brief trek to the Jersey of the South, aka Florida. By moving South the cast gained addition by subtraction in the good-riddance-ing of Angelina. What is the length of time before we see her in an issue of Hustler or starring in a "private" sex tape with 2011s version of Joey Buttafuoco? I say less than six months.

MTV has been around long enough to know you can't simply discard a cast member and not replace her. Becky on Roseanne and Laurie on That 70s Show proved that. However MTV didn't find a new girl who looked like Angelina and pretend she was the same person because that would be ridiculous. Plus Furio from The Sopranos was unavailable. But they did go to the best judge of character this side of the Cincinnati Bengals and asked Snooki to bring her friend Deena along to the shore.

Some thoughts before we get to the start of Season 3.
Will Snooki remain the lovable love-lorn guidette America has fallen in love with? From "the poof" to the giant slippers to her love of pickles to the Snooki-whine, there is something about that pocket-sized tanorexic I can't get enough of.

Will Pauly D or Vinny find love? If so, will Mike try to block it from them?

Will JWoww continue to wear fishnet tops that defy gravity and still make it look classy?

Will Ronnie and Sammi conti......sorry I dozed off there for a second.

So many questions and only one hour a week to find out. Let's hit the sand.

The episode began with Snooki getting ready for the summer and throwing her luggage into the trunk of a sleek BMW. She needed that BMW to go pick up her friend, which is how we met Deena.

We learned that JWoww and Tom needed a break from each other. Didn’t this show tape about two months after Miami ended? If they can’t go two months without a break, it’s probably not in the cards for those two.

In the car ride on the way to Seaside, Snooki broke down the roster of castmates for Deena. She said Deena will probably have sex with Pauly D. Then she said Mike was a sweet guy. On what planet is Snooki from that she thinks Mike is a sweet guy? Then she said Vinny was a good guy too. It’s good to have the reputation with the ladies of being a nice guy. It is even better to have the reputation of being able to hold yourself up while in push-up position without using your arms or legs.

Vinny said he belongs in the Jersey Shore because his father and uncles went there. I bet this is exactly how the Bushes view Yale.

Ronnie and Sam are still together. Well the season can’t be perfect.

Sammi said she can’t believe she’s back in the shore house. Between her competing law firm offers and deferring medical school I can’t believe she’s back either. Someone should count how many times she flips her hair during an episode. I bet it’s more times than The Situation keeps his buddies from meeting ladies.

The gang slowly entered the house. It’s amazing to see the level of cars these guys are driving now. There should be a montage of them arriving last season compared to this one. Good for them.

Is it just me or does Deena look like a Jersey-fied Bethenny from that Real Housewives show? I bet Deena is better company.  She just said she had a vibrator if the other girls needed it. Consider my previous statement verified.

Last, and in this case least, The Situation showed up. You can read my thoughts on him here. It’s good to see he changed his look a bit to mirror the same hairstyle as Kramer’s character in Problem Child. Snooki said Mike has ‘Miserable’ tattooed on his forehead because he has to room with Ron and Sammi. If I had to pick a tattoo for The Situation I’d go with Chicken Shit, Cock Blocker, and Right Time Right Place, but not Miserable.

It didn’t take long for Sammi to make Deena hate her. She turns people off faster than the lost Diff’rent Strokes Mr. Drummond-Mrs. Garrett sex scene.

The gang decided to get the party started by playing flip cup. Ron and Sam stayed in their room. One day Ronnie will look back on this time when he could have been a quasi-celebrity in his early 20s and slowly pound his head against a wall.

After flip cup it was Jacuzzi time. Just in case they didn’t get enough germs from drinking out of shared cups that fell on the floor and were rubbed on a dirty table, why not eliminate all doubt and get into something that gave me mono. At least that’s the story I’m going with.

Snooki was mad at Vinny for not giving her enough attention.  She said if Vinny got with Deena she was done with him. Snooki then said that a few weeks ago he hooked up with a different friend of hers. So according to the Snooki level of “being done with” you can bang one of her friends but she draws the line at two of them. She’s stern but fair.

Deena asked Mike where her Blast in a Glass hat was. She then took him to her room to find a hat. This move by Deena reminds me of the part in Swingers where the Vegas cocktail waitress apologizes to Trent for not giving him the tour of their trailer. The actress who played that waitress was also named Deena. Where’s Rod Serling when you need him? Deena found her hat then showed Mike her lost kitten. Talk about looking a gift in the mouth. However, Mike rejected Deena and then told Ron and Sammi what happened. It’s good to see Sammi sleeps in full make-up and giant hoop earrings.

Deena came into their room and proceeded to get into a fight with Sammi. She called Sammi a word that not many girls like to be called. Ronnie didn’t care for Deena’s diarrhea of the mouth and laid into her about who calls the shots in the house. Speaking of diarrhea, that’s what I’d have if I ever saw Ronnie coming at me like he did when he ran down the stairs to confront Deena.

Sammi and Deena kept the fight going which led to more beeps than a Road Runner cartoon. Snooki then stepped in to defend her friend, which eventually led to JWoww entering the fray. When JWoww enters the ring that means fists do too, and not the kind that battle the beat back. The episode ended in a slight re-enactment of the end of Rocky III, except the punches were more believable.

After the episode ended scenes for the season were shown. If these previews are indicative of what’s to come, Modern Family might need to relinquish its TV Steve Emmy for being the best show on TV.

Make sure you come back next Friday for my episode 2 re-cap. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter (@TVSteve1) and become a fan on Facebook.

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