Thursday, February 3, 2011

Stop The Insanity - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 6 Recap

Last week’s Jersey Shore had two break-ups, two make-ups, an emerging new couple and rumors of a vegetarian in the house. In this week’s episode will Sammi and Ronnie extend the nation’s longest dramatic relationship? Will The Situation continue to play the role of house yenta – The Situation is neither talented nor likable in any way…discuss. Will JWoww’s dog keep interrupting her during sex or will she wise up and distract the dog with a vacuum cleaner?

Let’s hit NJ 37 and see what happened.

This week’s episode starts off where last week’s left off, with JWoww quoting Entourage and me remembering when Jeremy Piven was a good actor. At Karma, the roommates were drinking and celebrating the good vibes in the house. Sammi saw this and was worried about Ronnie, because that’s who she is.

After Karma and back at the house, Sammi made Ronnie food. Given Ronnie’s state, I’m pretty sure whatever goes in is coming out pretty quick. Yep, there’s the evidence of his dinner. Snooki slept with the dogs. Not in her bed mind you, but on the floor next to them.

The next morning Ronnie didn’t feel so good. He said he was bleeding when he used the bathroom. Give Ronnie credit, he did go to the doctor immediately. The doctor asked him if the area gets checked regularly. Maybe if Ronnie dated Deena it would.

The doctor rolled Ronnie on his side and snapped the glove. Few things are probably more horrifying for a man to hear. The doctor then said “how about a little deeper”, and asked if Ronnie felt anything. I’m going to say he probably did, even though he didn’t sing Moon River. The diagnosis was Ronnie needed to stop drinking so much. How drinking and bleeding from your ass is related I have no idea. But then again Bill and Roger Clinton are related so anything is possible.

Snooki, JWoww and Deena went out for errands. The topic of discussion was female masturbation. They came to the conclusion that it was healthy. Then I was probably my healthiest from ages 13-18.

Back at the house, Deena and Snooki both said they’d hook up with Pauly D. Deena said she was planning on having sex with him that night. Snooki thinks more long term and only wants Pauly’s swimmers for procreation.

Ronnie’s friends came to visit. Deena switched her attentions from Pauly to one of Ronnie’s friends. Meanwhile, Pauly D’s future baby’s mama was getting hit on by an Italian guy named Jeff. I have a lot of male relatives on my Italian side. Paul, Robert, Eugenio, Mario, and Michael are just some of their names. Not one Jeff, just saying.

Snooki said Jeff, like her, was DTF. A guy at the shore was DTF…Get outta here. Unfortunately for them, Snooki’s Aunt Flo was in town.

In other hook-up goings on, Ronnie’s friend and Deena picked up for Snooki and Jeff’s inability to consummate their newfound love. Deena was adamant she doesn’t give away her “Golden Ticket” on the first night. It’s a good thing she never worked for Willy Wonka or else he’d be giving that tour every weekend.

The magical night that almost was for Jeff and Snooki carried over to the next day. They spent the day on the boardwalk going on rides and exploring Jeff’s tongue ring. I’m pretty sure none of my Italian relatives don’t have one of those either. Mostly because of what Chris Rock said at the 2:30 mark.

Jeff told Snooki he was engaged, or nearly engaged, or really, really liked some girl in his past. He came on to Snooki a little too strong and while Snooki might want love, she wants on her terms and not on the terms of a pseudo-Italian guy with a tongue ring.

Pauly D proved that if DJ’ing doesn’t work out for him answering phones is a good fallback.

The girls went to the sex shop to get outfits for the night. JWoww tried on an outfit that Snooki said gave her a boner. Et tu Snookus?

Ronnie made dinner for the house. He also fought with Sammi. It was the first time MTV showed one of those two events. Guess which one?

Snooki and JWoww went to work but were two hours late. Danny, the boss of the store, said for them to get serious. That’s right ladies, ignore the $30,000 you get an episode and give a shit about the minimum wage job you’re forced to do. Danny, while probably making a mint off renting the Jersey Shore house, is an idiot to think the crew will give their best effort at his store. Ralph Wiggum has more common sense.

MVP and Deena went to the club while Sammi and Ronnie stayed home to fight.

At the club, Pauly saw his stalker from season one. The stalker sent an ambassador to Pauly to try to make nice. After talking to the stalker for a few minutes, Pauly invited her home. Girls generally won’t put up with a guy who makes them feel concerned about their safety. For guys, if the girl is hot enough she could be Eve White and we’d take her home. However if you want her to stay, it is best not to constantly make fun of her with your friends. Good night, stalker.

Sammi woke up Ronnie to see if he wanted to get into bed with her. He didn’t take that kindly and jumped down her throat for being selfish. Ronnie said he’s at the breaking point.

I believe that perfectly sums how everyone watching how this relationship unfolds feels.

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