Thursday, March 10, 2011

I'm Sam Shady Yes I'm The Real Shady - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 11 Recap

When we last left our heroes of Seaside, Snooki was trying to mend a broken heart, Sammi was back at the house, and The Situation was learning sexually transmitted diseases can be transmitted through acts of sex. There are so many reasons this guy deserves to be booed.

I’ll be giving a few more reasons this Sunday on Progressive Blend Radio at 6:15 as I stand-in as a member of the dais for the Donald Trump Roast airing two days later on Comedy Central. One more programming note, check back here on Sunday to see my second attempt at roasting as I take on The Donald, or as he might refer to himself, the 45th President of the United States.

Enough with the self-promotion, let’s get back to the beach.

This week’s Jersey Shore episode began with Vinny and Pauly going to Staten Island. Pauly said he didn’t know Staten Island is actually an island. He also doesn’t know North Carolina is above South Carolina, sunscreen protects from the sun, and a golf cart gets you from hole to hole on the course.

Back at the house, The Situation was left all alone with JWoww’s dogs. He decided to let them eat garbage. Now we know how every one of his hook-ups feels. The Situation saw the dogs going to the bathroom all over the house and didn’t stop them. Not only does he shit on his roommates with girls, work, and each other but now he’s outsourcing the job.

At casa de Vinny, there was a huge Italian feast, except for potato salad.  I’m not sure how this crap makes its way into a lot of these Italian meals. I’ve been Italian my whole life and never once did one of my Italian relatives say “this anny-pass is great, but send over the potatoes and mayo”.

The girls came home and noticed the smell of dog shit all over the house. The Situation saw them coming in and ran upstairs to pretend he was sleeping and didn’t know what happened. Situation said in the confessional he wouldn’t sell the dog out, which means there might as well be a big sign on the front door snitching on the dog. Unfortunately for Mike, one of the dogs smelled like Axe body spray giving his ploy away because while a dog might roll around in a dead animal or eat its own shit, one thing a dog won’t do is wear Axe.

It was time to go out to the bar. Snooki met a guy and Ronnie and Sammi made out. In other news Monday is the first day of the work week.

On her way home from the bar Snooki fell down and bruised her knee. Her guy, who looked like Pauly, helped clean the wound. Snooki said because of that he was allowed to get it in. It’s a good thing she doesn’t work in a hospital or no one would ever get any work done.

The next day Vinny went with JWoww, Sammi and Ronnie to get spray tanned. When it was done Vinny said he was part of a new race. I believe that race is called douchebag.

On the ride home JWoww saw Roger in another car. When the Jersey Shore car pulled up to his car, Roger pulled away, or did the dip. According to Ronnie the only time you avoid the girl you just slept with is if you have another girl with you. If there’s anyone who knows how to act shady and like an asshole around women, it’s Ronnie.

JWoww got home and called Roger. It went to voicemail and JWoww told him if he wanted to explain himself he could call her back, otherwise they were done. Cross JWoww and you take your life in your hands.

The guys went outside to play with their kites and toy helicopters. I don’t know if I even have a joke for that. The girls saw this as an opportunity to hit them with water balloons. In hindsight this might not have been the girls’ best move because the guys turned around and crushed them.

Roger called JWoww back and asked her where her message came from. She explained herself and ended up apologizing. Apparently she’s “developing feelings for the kid”. I hope when I’m 40 people still refer to me as a kid.

Sammi and Ronnie had a talk about where they stood. Apparently Ronnie hadn’t done enough to win back Sammi’s trust. Maybe he should buy her a new pair of glasses to help the process along.

A van picked the crew up and took them to another beach town so they could experience a boardwalk with games. Ronnie and Sammi went to the aquarium and met a penguin. The tour guide asked the group what kind of animal a penguin was and Ronnie said mammal. The answer is bird. Not sure what gave it away between the webbed feet, wings and beak.

Snooki had a skin issue so she turned to the roommate with the most facial cleaners, who of course was The Situation. So not only does he take thirty minutes to get ready even though his outfits consist of jeans and a t-shirt but he also wears basic makeup. What a catch, ladies!

At the bar that night, a friend of Mike’s named Arvin asked him where Sammi was because she asked him to meet there.  Of course The Situation was going to run and tell each of his roommates about this as soon as he could. Snooki said she was going to talk to Sammi about the issue at hand. Sammi told Snooki she didn’t send the texts.

This led to a big fight between Sammi and Ronnie in the kitchen of the bar. Once again Ronnie said they were done. Sammi turned the blame onto Mike as the instigator of the whole thing. While she did get caught texting another dude and this is clearly her fault, I do like how she blamed Mike. Everyone needs to blame him for something.

After the bar the guys ate some fluffernutters and got ready for the drama to take place. When they were all in the room, Sammi said Mike was the shadiest person she knew. There’s another point for Sammi. She’s scoring like Wilt Chamberlain on ladies night tonight. Mike rebutted by saying Sammi is the shadiest. He might as well have said “I know you are but what am I?”

Ronnie interrupted this grade school argument by calling out Sammi for contacting the guy. Sammi defended herself by saying this Arvin guy was her friend. Ronnie didn’t buy the argument and Sammi walked away. Ronnie followed her and continued the fight.

The rest of the house said they hoped Ronnie and Sammi didn’t get back together. The dogs were constantly barking during Ronnie and Sammi’s fight.

I can only take this to mean they don’t want them back together either.

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