Thursday, March 17, 2011

Make It Stop - Jersey Shore Season Three Episode 12 Recap

A lot happened to our friends from Seaside this past week. Snooki appeared on WWE RAW, a development that is as surprising as finding out wrestlers took steroids.  Sammi Sweetheart, a nickname as fitting as a tight shirt on a muffintop, launched her own jewelry line. I hope she doesn’t market any of the pearl necklaces Ronnie may have given her. Finally, The Situation appeared on the roast of Donald Trump and proved that even when he is trying to be funny, people are laughing at him. They also like to target him for jokes like a fraudulent mortgage lender does an unqualified buyer.

This week’s episode began where last week’s left off, Sammi and Ronnie fighting because of The Situation’s meddling. Ronnie seems to like to put his hands on Sammi, and not in a nice way. I’ve asked before, and I’ll ask again, I wonder what would need for happen for MTV to call the police. It’s a good thing MTV cameras weren’t filming inside Chris Brown’s car.

Downstairs Deena rolled around inside a cardboard box. It’s good to know she enjoys the same leisure activities as my dog.

Sammi admitted she called this Arvin guy shortly after she and Ronnie broke up. Ronnie took exception to this and said he doesn’t know if he could be with her again. So the fact he didn’t call anyone post-break up negates the fact he treated her belongings like Donkey Kong?

Sammi, Deena and JWoww went to work at the t-shirt store. Deena said she doesn’t usually even keep a job in the summer. She’s clearly older than college age. I’m guessing she’s not in med school so shouldn’t she have a job year round? If the real world is supposed to have a summer break, I'm getting screwed.

Vinny and Snooki went to get burgers. Snooki asked the waitress if the beer-battered onion rings were actually cooked in beer. She was shocked to hear yes. Other things that surprise Snooki are pecan crusted chicken has pecans, bacon-wrapped scallops are wrapped in bacon and key lime pie has limes, not keys in it.

Vinny then re-capped his previous night’s hook-up to Snooki. Girls who like you love it when you talk about the girl you passed them over for. Vinny confessed there is a chance he could get serious with Snooki. So you’re saying there’s a chance!

Vinny, a week after getting spray tanned, decided to get his ears pierced. Seems like he’s taking his queues on how to be an Italian man from The Situation. T-shirt store Danny is the one who pierced them. Vinny asked how they looked. They look like they belong to a woman. Or a douchebag.

A few of the roommates were getting ready to go out. Deena wore denim head to toe. She looked like she ran over Levi Strauss.

At the bar, Pauly D’s Israeli stalker showed up. I wonder if she’s Mossad. You saw Munich, right?

Back at the house Wet Blanket and Buzz Kill talked about their relationship over mustard and Gatorade. Apparently that’s all it takes to make bad memories go away because they ended up in bed together.

At the bar Pauly D was pursued by a middle-aged woman who might be confused with Bruce Vilanch. Pauly handled it with class and maturity. Or he yelled for help like she was wearing a lobster bib and holding a bowl of melted butter.

Pauly shook the older lady and he and Vinny took a couple of girls home. Vinny’s girl’s brother showed up at the Shore house. Pauly played the role of Mike and acted like a complete dick to an attractive girl who was DTF. Both girls ended up going home with the brother.

Vinny, apparently upset at not getting any play, grabbed Snooki and said “let’s go.” Snooki, RAW appearance aside, didn’t like to be treated like a piece of meat. She said she is no one’s last resort, and wants to be a guy’s first choice. Vinny said he was just kidding and tried to apologize to her. The Situation said Vinny was being a douchebag. This is like Glenn Beck calling you crazy.

After Snooki went to bed, Vinny and Sammi had a freestyle battle. This was no battle. Everybody in the 313  knows what a real battle looks like. 

The next day Pauly, JWoww and Mike went to work. Mike decided to sleep on the job. Surprisingly a strong work ethic isn’t a prominent trait in a reality television star. When Danny found him sleeping he “fired” him and said he’d never amount to anything. Got to give it to Danny there, he knows how to call a spade a spade.

The next morning Sammi had problems with her eyes so Ronnie took her to the doctor. While they were gone Ronnie’s mom Connie called the house. Apparently she was drunk. And why shouldn’t she be at 10:00 in the morning. She ended up talking to Mike about Sammi and Ronnie. Mike told her about Sammi contacting Arvin. This guy is as trustworthy with his friends as Goldman Sachs is with the American economy.

JWoww told Sammi that Mike ratted her out to Ronnie’s mom. Sammi said she’ll punch him in the face. Don’t tease me Sammi, don’t tease me!

The group talked on the deck about Sammi’s intentions towards Arvin. Sammi found out and confronted Mike. Mike said he was looking out for Ronnie. This is the same guy who told Sammi that Ronnie cheated on her in Miami. At this point, The Situation lies so much I don’t even think his name is Mike.

The Situation said he wanted to call Arvin and hear his side of the story. The fact Ronnie was siding with Mike made Sammi want to be done with him. I’ve heard this song before.

Mike made the call. Arvin said he and Sammi made out from time to time. Ronnie handled this news about as well as I did when MTV decided to focus Jersey Shore on their relationship.

Thankfully there’s only one week to go before MTV can change the focus of the show because whoever their test group was that said “More RonSam” must be the same people who like to rubberneck fender benders.

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1 comment:

  1. "...and key lime pie has limes, not keys in it."

    Seriously funny.


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