In a perfect world I would be a stand-up comedian. I’d also be wealthy, have a full head of hair and live in a home worth more than I paid for it, but I digress. Unfortunately, speaking in front of a large group of people makes my legs shake like the way my dog does when a storm is coming.
One of the better places to see stand-up comedians at their best is at a Roast. Roasts serve the function of putting someone front and center and letting comedians take shots at them like they were Sarah Palin in a plane hovering over a wolf pack. Comedy Central has taken the mantel from The Friars Club and Dean Martin as the home of roasts.
This past summer David Hasselhoff was the victim, which showed how great Jeff Ross, Whitney Cummings and the late great Greg Giraldo are at their craft. It also showed that no one laughs with Hulk Hogan these days, only at him.
The latest target of the roasters is Donald Trump. To which I have to say, it’s about time Donald Trump gets made fun of publicly because it’s been going on for years behind his back.
The roast will be aired on March 15. After the roast is over, Julius Caesar will look more fondly upon that date than Donald Trump.
As with my first foray into writing about a Comedy Central Roast, for the purposes of this column I will place myself amongst a group of people I have no business being near.** Like when Al Franken takes his seat in the Senate.
Seth MacFarlane is our roastmaster tonight. So let me get this straight, you created a cartoon for FOX centered around a fat alcoholic slob with a shitty job, a hot wife and three kids. Mark Zuckerberg stole less from the Winklevosses than you did from The Simpsons.
Larry King is here. What happened Larry, did the retirement home have an extended recess? Larry is so old he helped build the Pyramids. Larry’s been married eight times. EIGHT TIMES. He’s like Henry VIII, not so much for the many wives, but because they’re both over 500 years old. Larry has more women on payroll than Heidi Fleiss. And didn’t he try to sleep with his sister-in-law? What happened Larry, did you replace your Geritol with Viagra?
Jeff Ross, the roaster extraordinaire is here. You are truly the Kenny Rogers of this dais, mostly because you haven’t done anything worthwhile since the 90s. Without these roasts you’d be like Charlie Sheen… unemployed. You spend more time on a roast dais than Sarah Palin does on Hooked on Phonics.
Snoop Dogg has joined us tonight. Weren’t you accused of killing someone a while ago…We’re cool.
Lisa Lampanelli has graced us with her presence. We all know Lisa used to love to screw black guys. You were like Jim Crowe with a vagina. But you switched gears and married an Italian guy. The last time an Italian guy followed that many black men was when Vince Lombardi was the last one into the locker room.
As for my friend The Situation, everyone on this dais is here because of some kind of talent, except you.
On Jersey Shore you live by the mantra of Gym Tan Laundry. Well, let me tell you something, I’m also Italian. You know what Italians tan, cook and do laundry? Italian women. My dad is Italian and he wouldn’t know where the washing machine was even if it was full of mozzarella and capicola.
Speaking of women, all you do is talk about how much action you get but the only ass you see is your roommates’ going up and down on the girls they bring home. And you see it because you are always trying to get in the way of people having sex. Instead of The Situation they should call you The Time of the Month.
And what woman would want you? You spend more time getting ready than a drag queen and have the same haircut as Kramer in Problem Child.
Jesus Christ you’re a pussy. And I should know…we can smell our own
Since roasts are supposed to be in honor of someone, and there’s definitely no honor among the dais, let’s turn to the man of the hour, the person who embodies integrity, valor and entrepreneurship. But I’ve already talked about Larry King’s libido so I guess Donald Trump will have to do.
Donald Trump has been a visionary and pioneer. But enough about marrying women half his age.
He’s been married three times. Each time his wife gets younger and younger. At this rate his 4th wife will be an ovum.
Donald made his money running casinos in Atlantic City - running them into the ground. Because of you Atlantic City makes Baghdad look like Paris.
You’ve filed for bankruptcy more often than the Jackson Family.
Despite the bankruptcy and economic destruction of a US city you still walk around like everything is great. You’re like Nero without the fire. You’re so arrogant for absolutely no reason that you make the cast of Jersey Shore look humble.
When you were done turning Atlantic City into an “after” picture, NBC gave you a show on how to teach someone how to run a business called The Apprentice. Being your Apprentice is like learning to mine in Chile.
And how can we not talk about that hair. Calling it a rat’s nest is disrespectful…To rats. Your hair makes Phil Spector look like Dan Marino. But somehow it stays on your head. FEMA should have used whatever makes up your hair to protect New Orleans.
It’s not all bad for you though Donald. You have made contributions to the world. After all you did give us the Miss USA pageant, which lets hot chicks know that showing their tits for Joe Francis isn’t the most demeaning thing they could do to themselves.
People are now saying you should run for president. This is like letting Tiger Woods give your wife golf lessons.
In closing, Donald you are a true American icon. You’ve dominated finance, real estate, tourism, entertainment and maybe one day politics. You are a Jack of all Trades.
If Jack was bad with money, liked to date high school girl and used hair clippings from a dog’s ass to cover his head.
**Any similarities between jokes in this blog and the actual roast are unintentional and completely coincidental. There’s a better chance of Donald Trump actually becoming President.
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